I have avoided writing this blog post for several weeks now. It would've been too painful to write before this, as it requires me to open up myself into a very vulnerable position, but it needs to be said... God asked me to share.
Starting today, I vow to be healthy.
This may come as a shock to many of you. But you are healthy. Aren't you?
Well, yes. I know how to be healthy. I know what I should and shouldn't eat. I am educated in nutrition. I have spent countless hours researching, learning, writing essays, reviewing health publications and pouring every ounce of myself into nutrition and health textbooks. I have lived, breathed, prayed and petitioned for the health of His people for over two years. When you are called into a ministry area, it becomes your identity... your life is dedicated to serving in the specific area in which the Lord has asked you to minister.
And serve to the fullest extent is just what I was doing, until five months ago. On July 1st 2013 we lost another baby too soon; our seventh miscarriage when I was just over 11-weeks along.
The pain is still raw; the wound still tender to the touch.
Our other losses have all healed; formed their scars.
But this one... this one is still in the process of scabbing over, and it hurts. It stings when I pick at it. So for the past five months I have left it alone, hoping it would heal quickly on its own - by scabbing over, then scarring, just like all the others.
This one is different. It hasn't healed as quickly as the others. It only began the process of healing just two short weeks ago... on the day I finally set aside myself and came before Him - admitting my pain, my sorrow & my exhaustion. Admitting I cannot do it without Him.
For months I had been fooling myself, causing myself to believe that I had already set me aside... But, I was lying. It's the only way I knew how to keep free of the pain - the pain of loss, the pain of jealousy, the pain that comes with healing sometimes because in order to heal, we need to open ourselves up and allow Him to work is us. And, that can be painful.
So for the past five months, I had never truly opened up, and that wound was never really exposed. I had never let it get the air it so desperately needed. Instead, I just kept wrapping it in a light bandage and then wondering why it was taking so long to scab over.
I don't even remember what our pastor preached on that Sunday morning two weeks ago. All I know is that God was speaking to me - He was asking me to take the bandage completely off, to approach Him at His altar, and allow Him to start treating my wound so He could heal it. And for through that entire Sunday morning service, I kept telling Him, "yeah, okay..." because maybe He would stop asking to treat my wound.
But, standing at the altar for prayer that morning were the exact two women in my life that needed to pray with, and for, me. Two strong, faith-filled women who I admire, who I have been vulnerable with, who love and support me, and who have walked alongside me during previous losses. The two women that God knew needed to be standing there in order for me to even consider asking for prayer. And so, I approached them... I told them I had been so exhausted since the loss in July; they already knew my story. And the Holy Spirit knew exactly what needed to be prayed over me that morning.
The release of stress, the peace that overcame me, the start of healing that occurred that morning; it was incredible. It was overwhelmingly powerful and freeing and felt like a warm soothing, healing balm all over my body.
Now I write this post, five months to the day after we lost Amara Grace. And my wound is just now starting to lightly scab over.
I know because I can write this post while only a few tears stream down my face.
I know, because even through those tears I can still find peace in writing this, knowing it will bring comfort to someone else and in doing so, it will glorify Him.
Today, our pastor spoke about glorifying God...
how everything is created to glorify God,
but how we only glorify Him when we fulfill His purposes.
Well, my purpose is to be healthy - physically, emotionally & spiritually - so that I can help, encourage and teach others as they achieve health. My purpose - our family's call into ministry - all keeps coming back to our fifth miscarriage: Asher Nicholas. Read his story here.
And because I can only glorify God by fulfilling His purposes,
I vow to lay aside myself,
to find strength and peace only in Him,
to allow Him to treat & heal my wounds,
and to continuing serving Him how He has asked me to...
by being whole and healthy, in Christ.
How has He asked you to serve Him?
Will you vow to fulfill His purposes to bring Him glory?
